A Memo To Tara Reid

To:  Tara Reid, White Trash Actress Extraordinaire

From:  The WTW Staff

Tara,  per your most recent interview with that media giant "Steppin' Out", you wanted to set the record straight.  We at WTW are ready to alert the public about your heavy-hitting statements.

Tara Reid wants to know: "Why is partying and having a good time bad?"

and

...these questions are for American journalists, like "there must be a journalist school where students are taught how to kill Tara Reid."

She wants to know "how come when someone else gets messed up or is a junkie or gets DUI'd and goes to rehab and is considered a hero again?"

Um, can you say Courtney Love?  We know, we know, Tara.  She is your idol...your hero.

She said she's hoping for a great movie role to impress people with her acting so they'll leave her alone.

For our sake, Tara, we will hope for a great movie role to show your amazing acting talent as well.  Like the Emmy-Award-Winning performance you had in "American Pie."  Stunning!

Reid also said she can't believe people made such a big deal out of her breast falling out of her dress on a red carpet last year. She told FHM "you would think my boob had popped out and shot Gandhi!"

Tara, we here at WTW actually believe that would have made a much more sensational news story.  Could you get that to happen for us?

She said "people act like it was the worst crime in the world." She's learned her lesson, though. She said she uses "double double tape" now, so her "hooters are under control."

...and for that we thank you.

Tara, we at WTW will always consider you the WTW cream of the crop.  Thank you for being you.

By the way, Howdy Doody called and he would like his boots back!

-------------------------------------------

Please stop by and visit all of my other White Trash friends in ye-ole Trailer Park:

White Trash Wednesday - The Real White Trash Woman

I haven't posted much for White Trash Wednesdays the last few weeks, but I'm certain I found the epitome of a White Trash Beeeotch that everyone can relate to:

WTW - Our Favorite Sitcoms!

In my quest to provide my audience with a true depiction of white trash living, I have failed to point my beloved readers to a place that has chronicled and recorded a veritable smorgasbord of white trash personalities - the television.  I now take you on a journey through years gone by and hope to bring to you fond memories of our white trash past...

Who could forget the ever lovable cast of "WKRP in Cincinnati" - that adorable Les Nessman, the guy who brought you the news.  Or your general manager and mine, the "always in charge" Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson.  ...and the most fabulous representation of trashiness, receptionist Jennifer Marlowe.  Who could forget all the mayhem of running this radio station in Cincinnati.  What a hoot!

Meathead, Archie, Edith - what an amazing cast of everyday folks in the early 70s.  Who better to epitomize that era than "All in the Family" - a family full of love, respect and affection for one another - well at least as much love, respect and affection that Archie could muster.  Archie also drank beer in a bar where people were smoking.  Yes, smoking was allowed on TV in the 70s.  See why this White Trash history is so important?

Ahhhhh...remember Schneider?  He truly made this show, "One Day at a Time."  What other show made light of guys who were always breaking into women's apartments without their permission?  Who else ran around the set with a jean vest and cigarettes wrapped in his t-shirt sleeve?  ...and what about his sage advice to these two young girls?  A memorable quote from Schneider to Barbara (persuading her to not lose her virginity):  "Always remember, and please never forget: A man is like a bow-and-arrow, and a woman is like a target. Bow-and-arrow needs practice. Target doesn't."  Pearls of wisdom, I say!

Mel or Flo?  Who would YOU vote for the best representation of white trash?  I find it hard to decide.  You've got Mel, with his greasy, disgusting white t-shirt and crazy hat (but he can cook!).  Then you have the ever out-spoken Flo and her famous "Kiss my grits" one liner.  But she was usually saying it to Mel.  Do you ever wonder if they got together in the end?

The Ropers just had to get mentioned.  Not only did they take care of Jack, Janet and Chrissy's apartment complex, but they were the hippest, best-dressed couple in the place.  Mr. Roper's polyester vests paired with wide collared shirt were history-making.  ...not to mention Mrs. Roper's perm.

Last but not least, the king of white trash sitcoms and best representation of society as   we know it "Married...with Children."  Al, Bud, Kelly, Peggy "Wanker" Bundy....and Marcy, her first husband Steve and second husband Jefferson.  Hell, even Buck the dog was white trash.  This series covered the very heavy hitting topics of shoe salesmen, strippers, parental bedroom action (or the lack thereof), acne, bills, and old cars.  You name it, we learned it from the Bundys!

I hope I brought you some fond memories of your past, and that you will hold a special place in your heart for these, our most revered, white trash families and friends!

Please go visit all the other trailers in the park - and bring your Mad Dog 20/20:

WTW - He Done Gone and Married a 13-Year-Old

Disclaimer:  Since there were no photographs associated with this news article, one cannot be completely sure the individuals in this story truly qualify as "White Trash" Wednesday candidates.  Please humor me, however. 

Okay, I apologize in advance to anyone who thinks it is acceptable for a 22-year-old pedophile to "marry" their 13-year-old victim.  NOT!  No apologies here and the only thing I'd do differently is go after the girl's PARENTS for allowing the "marriage" to start with:

LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) - A 22-year-old man faces criminal charges in Nebraska for having sex with an underage 13-year-old girl, although he legally married her in Kansas after she became pregnant.

The man's lawyer said the couple, with their families' support, "made a responsible decision to try to cope with the problem."

Ahem...allowing a 13-year-old child to attempt to raise a baby is a "responsible decision?" 

Matthew Koso, 22, was charged Monday with first-degree sexual assault, punishable by up to 50 years in prison. He was released on $7,500 bail pending an Aug. 17 preliminary hearing.

After the girl became pregnant, her mother gave permission in May for Koso to take the young woman to Kansas, which allows minors to get married with parental consent. The girl is now 14 and seven months pregnant.

"The idea ... is repugnant to me," said Nebraska Attorney General Jon Bruning. "These people made the decision to send their ... 14-year-old daughter to Kansas to marry a pedophile."

EXACTLY!  He's a pedophile - not a responsible father-to-be.  What a sick-o. 

He said the marriage is valid, thanks to the "ridiculous" Kansas law, "but it doesn't matter. I'm not going to stand by while a grown man ... has a relationship with a 13-year-old - now 14-year-old - girl."

Bruning, who has said he will seek a second term in 2006, has aggressively prosecuted sex crimes against children since he was elected in 2002

The couple were married in May by a judge in Hiawatha, Kan., just across the state line from Falls City.

Nebraska requires people to be at least 17 before they can marry.

Kansas law, however, sets no minimum marriage age, although case law sets the minimum age at 14 for boys and 12 for girls. The marriage must be approved by both parents or guardian, or by a district court judge, said Whitney Watson, spokesman for Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline. A judge also must approve if only one parent approves.

Sounds to me like a law in Kansas should be reviewed and amended, perhaps? 

Koso's lawyer, Willis Yoesel, said the girl's mother and Koso's parents approved of the marriage. He said the girl's father has not lived with the family for some time.

"It seems to me like they, as much as they could, made a responsible decision to try to cope with the problem," Yoesel said.

"The families are all united in this effort," Yoesel said. "I don't know who is complaining. ... What benefit is there to anybody in the prosecution of this young man?"

There was no comment from Koso, who does not have a listed telephone number.

My question is this.  Kansas has convicted pedophiles in prison.  Why, then, do their judges allow and endorse the marriage of victims of pedophilia to their assailants?

Please visit our fine WTW participants around ye ole trailer park (and a special callout to Mr. Neocon, who certainly can see into the future!):

WTW - The Shady Bunch

Here's the story of nine cousins
Who all had a record 13 pages long.
They were nine cousins, in a trailer,
The youngest one with a bong.

Here's the story, of their bathtub moonshine,
that was left to rot when they all went to jail,
They were nine cousins, living all together,
But none could post bail.

Till the one day when they all met with Guido
Who posted bail for them for a small "cut",
Then this group got out and ran to Tennessee
Joined Preston just to form the Shady Bunch. 
The Shady Bunch, the Shady Bunch
That's the way they all became the Shady Bunch.

Go see the rest of the cousins in the trailer park - you won't regret it none!

White Trash Wednesday - White Trash Art

Hi ya'lls!

I got me a durn road trip comin' up here in a spell.  Since I gotsta get my mobile trailer ready to go, I ain't got much time to stop by.  But I did want to edeewcate you, my cuzins, by gettin' you some culture:

That thare is white trash and art, all together in one.

Well, I'll be damned - that thare is some White Trash Art as well.  I reckon we gots us a trend!

And that one thare, that is my favorite art piece.  Kinda looks like my garbage can, except for the whiteness.  I gots me bits of egg and pop all throughout, not to mention Mad Dog 20/20 stains.  That White Trash shore is purty.

Well, I reckon I must be off.  You done got yer culture, and I done spent some time with the best during cuzin's this side of the trailer!

Ya'll go visit everyone else, ya hear?

WTW Rachael Ray's "Dirty Minute Meals"

So ya'll.  Anyone one who knows me will tell you that I love that thar Rachael Ray of that cooking channel.  Well, me and my love of Al Gore's internet (ya'll got that thar joke, right? Right?  Damn...it twas just a joke.  Sheesh) got togethar and we found out that even li'l ole Rachael has a trashy side. 

Yes, she did pose in one of them man rags - FHM.  But I was talking about how she TALKS on her show.  This here lady over here, she calls it "Dirty Minute Meals."  That's why that ole Rachael has so many males who sit in the dark watching her show - only to hit the button over to NASCAR when their ole lady walks in the room.  Lookie here - this is White (dirty) Trash at its finest, ya'll:

On the Cuisinart... "Just go up and down. Quick quick quick!"

Corn on the cob... "I used to suck on the corn cob. So bad!"

On stuffing burgers... "Tuck this inside. That's gonna be a tasty little surprise!"

On a cucumber... "We're gonna put a little of him in."

On sharpening knives... "I make my baby brother do it for me, but he's not always around."

On oiling... "I give it a little rub, though, to get the heat going."

On hot pans... "I want them waiting for me, not the other way around."

On the top of an onion... "I'm gonna whack it off here."

On chopping chard... "And I go right down to the stem."

On beating eggs... "See, you can just get down and dirty with 'em."

On vegetarians... "Somebody in the house just doesn't do meat."

"It's not about 'thicker is better.'"

On pre-washed spinach... "I get so excited about it, I'm stuttering. It's a thirty minute girl's best friend."

On breading chicken... "Try to keep one hand free, one hand clean, so ya got somethin' to work with."

On bread under the broiler... "It's a lotta back and forth, but man when it goes, it GOES!"

On grilled bread... "Transfer these to a plate and get these guys off, too."

On the Santoku knife... "It goes through anything wet like it's butter."

Back from the break... "I'm Rachel Ray, and today, I'm pleasing a crowd."

Intro... "You'll be able to make the whole crew happy in under thirty minutes."

"You need it three times, deal with it once. Right?"

On a lemon... "Oh yeah! Look at those juices flow!"

On the griddle... "On top, this is awesome."

On having friends over early... "And they'd be munchin' that in just a few minutes."

On veal... "I'm gonna nest him in the middle so he gets some action."

On weeknight entertaining... "You may try not to do it too often, but once in a while, it's inevitable."

On bay leaves... "I want a big one."

On variety of meats... "I'm gonna give you a little peek here at what we're playin' with today."

On a fakeout cassoulet... "It's not exactly the same thing, but let me tell you, when you put it in your mouth, you're gonna be just as happy."

On sausage... "I'm just gonna give 'em a little prick."

On whisking... "I think I'm gonna use my stronger hand."

Outro... "My mouth's gonna be really full soon."

"Don't beat it too hard, or too soft."

On plating... "Remember to wipe off your lips there."

On prep time... "Good lord! She wants it faster!"

On salami... "I never met a salami I didn't like, really."

So don't ya'll be afraid to tune into my pal Rachael Ray's show.  She has something fer everyone!  And talkin' 'bout sumthin' fer everyone, don't fergit to stop on by all my friends at ye ole Trailer Park:

White Trash Wednesday - Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE!

I cain't help but thunk thar is some kinda jean-etic ties here (it's all in the eyes my Momma says!):

Please take a gander at my other cuzin's trailers:

WTW - Pets Gone Wild!

Hi ya'll!

Well, I reckun you all know that we White Trash grrls get all rambuncshius, especially afore we pop out little white trash sucklins.  Welp, I never knew, until my cuzin Otis tole me about our pets, that even our pets have their own kinda fun.  Lookin' 'round the trailer park, I found out that I've been livin' in Mad Dog land a little too much.  Ain't it something how that Navy man's coffee and a camera will getcha up and alert?

Anyway, I thought I'd dun share how crazy our pets get, too.  Hell, who says white trash folk are just human?  Take a swig of that whisky and set 'er down on your TV tray - you ain't gonna baleeve this!

This is Butch, our male pet squirrel.  He has a thang for beer, but mostly Bud.  He really enjoys it, but will only drink beer out of a can with a straw.  Damn finniky squirrel.  Oh, and here is his girlfriend Twila...she's really into the leather thing.  We tell him she ain't no good, but  he won't listen.  He loves that Twila, but I think she's in it just for the sex. 

Well, them squirrels sure keep things hopping, but our cousin, Mike (we call him MJ) has this thare monkey that has taken up smoking.  We have a shot of him smoking his Marlboros, but we know that ain't all he's smoking, crazy crack monkey.

hogs that thare remote.  My cousin Beulah Mae, she's got this big ole pussy cat that sits on her couch watching Whiskas ads and drinking beer.  That damn cat owns her.  She'd dun tell you she trained the cat that way, but I know better. 

him an alcoholic rat.  He and Beulah Mae's cat get together and sing show tunes after they've had a six pack.  It's pretty  terrible to listen to I gotta say. 

Lastly, our damn dog Rover.  I can't keep a smoke one or a pack of beer in the fridge a-cuz of that damn dog.  He's sure smart when he's sober, opening the damn ice box and all, but gets dummer as the drinks go down.

Welp.  That's the end of my little story.  Ya'll just gotta stop by our trailer park and visit my cousins and their pets.  You just won't baleeve your eyes:

WTW - This Criminal is a Chicken

Just when you thought crime wasn't high enough, even animals have to get in the act:

RIDGECREST, Calif. (AP) - Linc and Helena Moore may have finally learned the answer to that age-old question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken doesn't know jaywalking is illegal.

Kern County Sheriff's Deputy J. Nicholson does know, however. The deputy issued a ticket March 26 because one of the couple's chickens allegedly impeded traffic in Johannesburg, a rural mining community near Ridgecrest, some 220 miles northeast of Los Angeles.

The Moores were in Superior Court on Friday to plead not guilty. A trial was scheduled for May 16.

Nicholson has declined to discuss the matter, but sheriff's Sgt. Francis Moore said chickens on the roadway have been a problem in the community of 50 residents. Officials didn't believe it could be resolved by simply issuing the couple a warning.

"Sometimes you have to let people talk to the judge," Moore said.

The chicken's owners say they believe they were cited because they were among several people who complained that sheriff's deputies haven't done enough to control off-road vehicle riders who create dust and noise in their neighborhood.

Sheriff's officials say that isn't so, adding they are doing what they can to keep off-roaders away from homes.

"The chicken thing has nothing to do with the motorcycle thing," Moore said.

I, however, discovered the truth regarding why the chicken really did cross the road...

WTW - White Trash Manuel on Dumpster Diving

Now ya'll, I've done brought you some of the most speshul infonews on how to add to your bottom line - and I ain't meaning your "bottom" line, but yer collecshun of stuff.  Iffin' yer like the rest of us Trailer Livin' Queenies, we prides ourselves on what we find in the trash of others.  Some may call it dumpster diving, I call it "treashure huntin!"

Treashure huntin is a simple event.  You should bring your pickup with you, though, because I have found me some very speshul items, sometimes requirin' a bit of room.  PLUS, you need to be careful of some things as they may be covered by the goo of the trash that is mixed in with them treasures.  Iffin' you put them in the back of your pickup, it won't get them there vinyl seats messy, you know what I'm sayin'?

Treashure huntin is something you can teach yer family pets or work  animals to do on yer behalf.  It makes it so much easier to say "officer, I dun dinunt do anything wrong.  Old Bess don't know what's right and whats wrong thar."  And it's nice to teach yer pets starting small.  My ole man, Cletus, thinks that soon our bird Alfonzo will move up in the world.  He started out in a little ole oleo dish and has now gradumiated to a most fine kitchen sized bin.  I reckon he'll be able to fly in and swoop up most anything once he's done with his learnin'.

Ya'll know that there are treasures out there.  Hell, most of our trailer parts comes from our adventures.  There have been a few major finds for us, but mostly junk.  One day, we were diggin' through the dumpsters outside the Piggly Wiggly.  Thar was this crazy picture of a woman - she looked all pissed.  I suspect she ain't had her Mad Dog in a few days.  My ole man said he thought it looked like a picture he seen on the tellie that was called "the Moaning Lisa."  I ain't reckon this woman would be moaning about anything but maybe her corns.  Welp, long story short, some museum wanted it and mumbled about a theft and thanks for finding our stuff and all that.  It was a damn ugly picture anyways - for shore it weren't art.

Then there was the day we found some jewelry.  It looked something like that rock ole whats-her-name tossed over the boat on that thar Titanic movie.  You know, the old lady who wanted to be with that Leo guy (the one who drown - the best part of that movie, for most certain).  Anyway, I digresses.  Some guy with a bald head and a bow tie came runnin' up to the treasure spot and says to us, rather loudly I may add here, "That's the Hope Diamond!"  I clutched on to it tightly and yelled back at him "I HOPE it's cubic zurconia!"  He said it wasn't so I tossed it to him and set him straight.  Ain't nothing like CZ in its finest form.  He told me he'd get that thar jewelry back to the Smithsewnington or some gawdawful name.  What the hell name is that anyway?

We also found Phyllis Diller in a dumpster.  I think that's enough saidalready.  Let's just say she fit in with her invirinmunt.

Like I said, we have found many a treasure as have many of our relations and freinds.  I think back to our friend who found a piece of grilled cheese with the Virgin Mary on it.  Hell, after she sold that damn piece of grilled cheese we looked for weeks and never quite got as succesful as her. 

Oh well, our biggest and proudest moment was when we found our new shit pot.  My ole man says it is the most comfertable throne he has ever had the priveluge to partake in.  We did have to clean it up a little bit, but it fit right in the double-wide.

You may wonder how my ole man and I learned our treashure huntin' prowess.  Well, we done got a couple of books from the place that let's you borrow such thangs and we wanted to let you know what they were:

You can't go wrong with these books - iffin you can't read, stay at the book place.  They have story time and I reckon if you beg them they may read one to ya.  Or at least show you the pictures.

Don't fergit all my dumpster divin' divas and dirks in the trailerpark:

White Trash Cooking - Stuff in a Jar

All righty ya'll.  I know you've done heard of those meals in a jar that wimmin-folk make at Christmas time.  You know.  Cookies in a jar, soup in a jar, hot chocolate in a jar.  You know the stuff....gotta follow the directions, add the water or hot milk and all of that.  Well, I find them things nice to get at Christmas time, but not all that convenent simpul oh hell, easy to do.  Me and my old man Cletus, we done come up with a new "in a jar" product that don't need nothing added, don't need no mixin' and will make life just a little bit more interesting for us all.  Moonshine in a jar.  A-yup.  Just crank 'er open and toss 'er back.  That's all it takes.

I find that these make good gifts at weddin's so the bride and groom can get all drunk and see what that married thang is all about.  I reckon it also is a nice baby shower gift.  The ma will need some of my majic joos once that youngun starts squallerin.  Hell, this would even be a nice item to have at your uncle's funeral.  All them crying people - we all need a drink during those times.  It's also great for momma's day comin' up.  You know yer momma wants some of this, doncha?  Hell, just shoot me a note and I'll getcha set up.  Iffin I get too many requests, I may have to buy me another tub to set up more distillin'.  Yeee doggies!

Don't fergit all my inbread friends and cuzins in the trailerpark:

WTW - Parts is Parts?

Okay, ya'll.  Here is a real White Trash Candidate.  This here guy dun decided that he wanted to practice his cutting technique on body parts - parts not his own, mind you.  I reckon he done thought no one would never know since they was just parts.  Here's the story:

WOODLAND, Calif. (AP) - A morgue assistant accused of stealing body parts from a medical school so he could practice dissections at home was sentenced to more than two years in prison.

David Lawrence Beale, 47, was arrested in 2003 after more than 150 pounds of decomposing body parts, including two heads, were found near his Davis home. He pleaded no contest Monday to stealing human remains from the medical center at the University of California at Davis and possessing methamphetamine.

"This is a crime involving a great deal of callousness," said Superior Court Judge Michael Sweet.

Police initially suspected homicide when a tip led them to human remains in the trash at a trailer park where Beale once lived. Lawyers for Scott Peterson traveled to the area to search for evidence that Peterson's wife, Laci, had been killed by a cult.

Beale allegedly told investigators he had been taking remains home for more than a decade. The parts were from cadavers donated to the medical center for research.

There just ain't something right about a man takin' body parts home.  How do you plan for somethin' like that?

Be sure to check out my cuzins on the WTW blogroll on the right side of this page!

The White Trash ABCs

Hi ya'll,

I figger I'd share with you the learnin' I gave my cuzins Beulla Mae and Sadie Lou.  Theyze both have trouble amemberin' their letters and I need to help them so they can figger out the menu at McDonald's without askin for that special menu with the photos of the food on it.

Anyhow...hopin' this helps you learn your letters and that it takes you up that memery lane about your heratige:

A - Al Bundy

B - Bolonie

C - Crimpin Iron (for those white hot date nights!)

D - Dungarees

E - Eight Track (I dun spelled it out so you'd get it)

F - Fluffernutter

G - Goober Grape

H - Headcheese (with Wonder bread and mayo..bodatious!)

I - Inbread (my cuzin's dark secret..no, my other cuzin)

J - Joey Buttafucco (he has a butt in his name)

K - Kool-aid

L - Lita Ford (Sadie Lou's faverite singer)

M - Mad Dog 20/20 (my favorite bevirage)

N - Nuckle Head (my dumass dog's name)

O - Outhouse

P - Pork Rinds (mmmmmmm!)

Q - aQua Net (cain't figger a Q word out - but we know 'bout Aqua Net)

R - rollers (hot or not)

S - Spears (Britney, that is...all preggers and all)

T - trailer - my dream home!

U - Under the trailer (where we go when we see a tornado)

V - Vaseline (white trash loob)

W - Weenies and Beenies (alright, the B was used already)

X - X-ray vision glasses (my ole man Cletus says they works)

Y - Yeti (my ex-ole man!)

Z - Zingers (a right tasty end to a meal)

Visit all my other white trash folk and ya'll come back now, ya hear?

The White Trash Wednesday Blogroll:

WTW Linky-Love

Ya'll,

Just so'in ya know, I got me all screwed up on dat home brew my hubby Cletus made.  Shoot.  I damn near missed WTW.  It's already dang near my bedtime.

Soooooooooooooooo....afore this hangover gets the best of me, I figger I should shoot out some linky-love to my WTW cuzins...

Preston tells us much ado about some movie guy who thinks that sandwiches are more 'portant than anything.  Somebody dun thought he looked like the KFC Kernel Colonel.

Sadie Lou is ponderin' her music awhile Beullah Mae stole her damn Lita Ford 8-track.  Beullah Mae looks all done up in her new South Park Trailer Court portrait...It's incredibul what they done with her eyes after the accident.

This here cuzin Piled On the trash for us.  Lastly, Cuzin Red talked about some beach and a taxi driver, but I didn't know the guy. 

I'ze gonna get back on dat papa son chair (why the hell do they call it that - there ain't no menfolk ever wanna sit in that kinda chair) and pull my Mad Dog 20/20 up real tight.

Rae Dawn

White Trash Vision

Now, some of you done talk about my fine and speshul jus. Any of you who partake in my elixur will know that it can give you some mighty fine powers of pursepshun. Things have a way of turning out how you want it when you've done drunk yerself into a frezy. I've had some of my friends done talk about this. Here is what they spoke of:

Family Pet Afore Dan's drank the speshul jus:

Family Pet After Dan's bender:

Ain't that some magic? How about this? This is my cuzin Beula Mae's boyfeller afore she drank the jus:

And lookee what a little jus will do fer him:

Well, it ain't much better, but she didn't drink enough, I reckon.

A since this is more like a food site, I recon I should show you what that thare Preston tried to eat. He had been on an 8 hour drunkfest and thought he was eating this:

This is what he actually chowed down on, and mind you it ain't purty:

That damn Preston ate up Bit-Bit!!! Brittany, she was done pissed. But that nice feller, her man Federline got her another one. They named him Bite-Bite, in memery of dat traguty.

Hmmm...I'll bet yer wonderin' why I put that damn picture there. Well, just gotta say I've had a coupln nips of the juice myself and find that picture to be, well, just damn freaky. Looks like my idiut ex, but my ex had the eyes tattooed right on his face.

Now, doncha all know that ole Hector loves a lookin' at them girly magazines. He had a few chugs of my magic jus and thought he was lookin' at this:

You may not have this learnin of Hector, but the poor boy can't read - not enough skoolin' for him. So here he goes thinkin' he's lookin' at a mighty fine piece of girlflesh and he actually picked up a copy of "I'm an Ugly Girl Dog:"

Now lastly, my ole man done decided that he wanted to get us a new home. Afore he and me drank my magic poshion, this is what our new surroundings looked like:

Now ain't that just a nightmare to yer eyes. Thank the good man upstairs we had ourselves a whole gallon of my joy jus. Once we drank it, our home looked much better:

Ahhhhhhh....now THAT's livin large, ain't it?

Love,
Ray Dawn

Hick - White Trash Poet Extraordinaire

I have this neighbor named Bette who dun lives across the way. Awhile ago, she sent me this right nice note about how us White Trash folks are infultratin' all necks of society, even high falootin' society. This is what she sent to me:

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck (also known as White Trash iffin you didn't know that) from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!!

See! I done tole you that we'd perversere (oh hell, we'd win)! Ain't no high society trash person gonna win with our wit and worldyness.

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume X

So ya'll, I'm a bit right late for my White Trash Wednesday bloggin - but don't ya reckon it's still Wednesday somewhere? Please pay a visit to my extended, inbred family over thar on yer right afore my paw gets his sawed-off mind-changer!

Love,
Ray Dawn

Road Kill Cookin' - Water Fowl

Thought I'd share with you some recipes for White Trash Delicacies. Your chances of hitting water fowl are few unless you hit those parts of the backwoods that have swamplands or some other watery place. I reckon you would be best off iffin you borrowed BillyBob's 4x4 to wade through all that. Here's some bodacious bites that will set your heart aflight:Dakota Duck

Remove breasts from the ducks you've "purchased." Put in the glovebox and go home. Soak in a beer bath for several days in the styrofoam cooler you borrowed from Aunt Helen.Goodyear Goose

Simple. Fry that bad boy up in a nice turkey fryer. Hell - "purchase" a couple of 'em - your turkey fryer's got room!

Mix a couple eggs, salt, pepper, and dip meat in mixture. Roll in crushed saltines here - use them "extra" packs you can get at the fast food joints in town.

Fry 'em up in hot oil until they is brown, but make sure it gets cooked thru. There ain't nothin' gives you the scoots like undercooked water fowl! Serve on a bed of Ramen Noodles or store brand mac 'n cheese.... mmmmmMMM!

Use all yer Parts, cuz Parts is Parts

Lastly, I wanted to share with you fine folks that every part of your animal can get used when you are roadkill shopping. My Uncle Ernie, he done "purchased" him a cow (my uncle is the king of roadkill shoppin' - he done got this cow with a mini cooper - wasn't his mini cooper, don'tcha know, but boy howdy!). When he brought it home, his old lady went to work, and made sure she done used all the parts. Aunt Janine's hard work paid off:

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume IX

Yup! It's that time agin, boys and girls. Me and my kin are celebratin' our heritage and our double-wides. Please join us tomorrow for another episode of "White Trash Wednesday." This comes to you from my cousin's on the right. No dummy, your other right. Use that scroll bar! Thar ya go!

See ya'll tomorrow!

A White Trash Vacation

Me and my family just got us back from our family vacation. We shore nuff enjoyed ourselves, other than a few little mishaps along the way. I done thought I'd share with all my buddies our pictures of the trip - iffin you'd like to go thar sometime yerself.

My old man and I wanted to take the kids somewhere right special. We loaded up the truck and headed out on our road trip. We took us some cheese curls and bologna sandwiches to tide us over. My old man wouldn't let me drive, but I did get to change the tire on Bertha - our truck. He calls her Bertha cuz she is such a smooth ride he says.

We kept driving and driving, and finally felt like the bologna and cheese curls weren't helping any more, so we stopped at our favorite eating spot "The Greasy Spoon." This was done out in the middle of nowhere, but boy do they serve up some mighty good chow.

We were about to our destination when we saw a sign for the Boxcar Willie Museum. Only by the grace of God (and a bunch of 8-tracks) are we getting by in this world since Boxcar left us in 1999. We had to go in. My fondest treasure is of this picture of Boxcar's beauty told in a wax statue:

Whilst I never did want to leave, my old man reminded me that the kids really needed to get to our vacation spot since riding in the back of Bertha gave them some darn awful windburn (not to mention the bag of cheese curls that blew out of Willie's hand and struck the window of the car behind us). Then, there it was. A beautiful sight - a sight that even Boxcar's Museum paled in comparison. The Billy the Kid Museum.

What I knew of the Billy the Kid Museum was the stuff of stories while us younguns gathered aroun' old Papy's knees. And everything he said was true. I even got to see Billy's burial marker. But most importantly, I got to see the 6 legged calf my Papy was buggeyed about. He was so right that you could stare at that stuff forever.

Well, we decided to set up camp for the night and stayed at the KOA. We love sleeping in the back of Bertha under the stars. I will say that next time I'm bringing the calomine lotion, damn chiggers.

Next mornin' we decided to head back. It was cloudy out so the younguns could avoid any more sunburn. 'bout an hour into the trip, we came across a carnival - one of them traveling kinds with the rides you love to be on because it may be their last run, if you know what I'm saying. Sure adds a thrill! Anyway, we met Eugene and Willie in the midway. They sure gave the kids some nice prizes, although I had to say no to the 6' stuffed banana. Smile purty for the cameras, ya'll!

Well, as you can reckon, me an my gang were dog tired. About an hour before home, the old man was hankerin' for something to wet his whistle. We were so excited to see a store at the top of the hill. We went in and there it was. The light was shining down on it so bright you'd have thunk it was on stage. My old man hadn't seen it for years and now, here it was. Mad Dog 20/20. Flavors upon flavors. The bottles all lined up so neatly, kept cold for him.

We got him a bottle of each kind. My old man was so excited he even got me a bottle of Strawberry Hill, my favorite. But I couldn't help thinking how some of that exotic lookin' MD 20/20 would taste and I could only hope the old man would give me a sip when we got home.

Well, we did get home, which is why I could share this will you fine folks. I reckon you must be mighty jealous of our expedition. But next time, we'll save some room for ya'll.

Love,
Ray Dawn

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume VIII

Howdy ya'll!

The gang is back tomorrow for another episode of White Trash Wednesday where us hicks get to make fun of our roots. Please join my fellow trash as noted on the right and kick back for some rip-roarin' fun!

White Trash Wednesday: Cocktails for the Common Folk

Who has got the time to prepare them damn fruity drinks - blenders, ice, little umbrellas and a twist of lime? Ain't the purpose of drinkin' liquor to get drunk? Why waste yer time mixing all that stuff up when I can get you some simple recipes.

Stuff you need to have that will allow you to get drunk:

1 glass or empty mason jar (I like them big ole mason jars - holds a lot of spirit iffin I do say)
water out of the hose or the sink, depending on where you sit
a big ole bottle of booze

Here's recipes that'll get you to your pink elephant reality real quick like:

Jack Daniels & Water

Pour a few glugs of good ole JD in your mason jar. Add a splash of water. Drink.

Wild Turkey & Water

Pour a few glugs of that Wild Turkey in your mason jar (once your JD is gone). Add a splash of water. Drink until gone.

Mad Dog 20/20

Hell with the mason jar and water. Pour that smooth stuff right into your mouth from that bottle. Drink until gone, makin' sure you don't spill none.

Store Brand Scotch

Get the cheapest damn scotch you can find. Sit in your chair. Drink right out of the bottle until gone. Chase it up with a shot of water, iffin you are still awake at this point.

Who needs those confarndit cityfolk concoctions? We got the stuff dreams are made of right here!

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume VII

Ya'll,

We're at it again, I say. If you look forward to shooting the s&!* with some of my cronies, please pull up a chair and your whittlin' knife for adventure you won't soon forget (unless Jack Daniels has something to say about it!). Please be sure to see all my White Trash friends on that list on yer right - no, yer other right.

When Trash Meets Seamen!

I done saved my best recipe for last. My ole man, he used to be a seaman (you know, the boys in those doggone handsome sailor uniforms). He brought home this recipe for S*&% on a Shingle (S.O.S.). While I rectum ya'll might want to stick with the recipe since you aren't a gormet chef like myself, I will also say I use good old ground chuck instead of the chipped beef - that stuff can be damn pricey!
Melt butter or fat in pan, then add the beef. Cook 3 minutes, or until brown. Add 2 cups of milk, but save the last 1/4 cup for later. Add salt and pepper and bring to a boil. Add flour to thicken, followed by leftover milk. Thicken to a glue-like texture, then pour over toast.

S.O.S. (dedicated to my seaman)

5 oz. of dried or chipped beef
2 1/4 cups of milk
2 tbs. butter or fat
1/4 cup flour
Salt and pepper
6 slices of bread, toasted

When Texas Meets Trash - Tortilla Weenie Wrap

There ain't nothing easier than this recipe, I'll reckun with the exception of your sister Twila!

Tortilla Weenie Wrap

1 hot dog
1 tortilla
1 piece of store brand sliced cheese product

Put the cheese on top of the hot dog, wrap the tortilla around the works. Heat in the microwave until the cheese melts and the hot dog is warm (around a minute, dependin' on how old that there microwave is).

You can dip it into some taco sauce. I make it simple by using those, uh, left over packets from Taco Bell. Deeelish, ya'll!

When East Meets Trash - Hot Dog Fried Rice

There ain't no one outta there that can say we don't know how to cook a good meal loaded with culture. We ain't nobodys just cuz we don't have them fancy knives like that broad Rachael Ray (although she does have a garbage bowl - same as a trash bowl, I reckun!).

I like livin' classy and you can too, by serving up this meal that all yer family will not soon fergit.

Hot Dog Fried Rice

3-4 Hot Dogs, cut up into chunks (1 serving for each person ya'll are cooking for)
Minute Rice, cooked, enough for all of your eaters
An onion, chopped up
Some Soy Sauce (I use the packets from that Chinese diner in the mall)
Some eggs, scrambled

Take the hot dogs and fry 'em up in a pan. Add the onion and sweat it out (fancy talk, ain't it?). Put the rice in the pan and stir it all up with that soy sauce. Once that's all done, then throw in your eggs, and let them cook until done.

There you have it. If yer kin don't usually like Fried Rice, since there's hot dogs in there, you can serve it with some catsup and relish, if they like that kind of thing. I usually follow it up with a fortune cookie from that there Chinese diner we talked about earlier. Or a Ding Dong - they are good with everything!

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume VI

We're at it again! Me and my hillbilly friends invite you to pull up a chair and drink a shot of Cactus Juice as we roll out another "White Trash Wednesday!"

Please visit the trailers of my kin - I done listed their locales off on the lower right of this here page!

See ya'll tomorrow!

Me and My Old Man, a White Trash Love Story

Many of you wanted to know the real story 'bout how me'n my old man met. Well, I'll do my best, but it's so hard to 'ticulate in writing our amazing love story. Welp, here goes...

Me and my old man met in Hi-Vue Trailer Park during a tornado. Those underground shelters are good for something after all! Well, that is until Ma and Pa got a bit upset after we didn't come out for awhile.

Talk about a shotgun weddin'! It wasn't long after this picture was taken of Ma and Pa that the old man and me discovered we were gonna be a Ma and Pa, too. Here we are on our weddin' day. That Brittany and Kevin Federline ain't got nothing on us!

Fast forward 5 kids later, and about 20 dogs, we're doing just fine, even with that little paternity show we went on with Jerry Springer. I told the ole man that Earl was his kid - hell he had his dumbo ears'n everything, but Jerry worked it out for us. Well, I guess that's thar another story. Here's a picture of some of our pooches getting their baths:

For $10 for the lot of them, you can't blame us for hiring George and Geraldine - they wash 'em all up in less than an hour.

Anyway, me and my ole man is doing fine. I got to thinking about Valentine's Day and how romantic he has been. He's got me some pretty amazing stuff to honor our love. Some I can think of is a new Jello mold (shaped like a razorback, our favorite mascot!), Spam flavored condoms, gift certificates to the Wal-Mart snack bar, and some grease for that squeaky front door hinge. I've got him some pretty darn nice stuff, too, including some new cinderblocks for the trailer, some clear floormats for the old Ford and a tattoo on my right ass cheek with a picture of his favorite pet pig "PicNic." This year's Valentine's Day was really special. Our old trailer was a shambles, and instead of fixin' her up, my old man got me a new one. Look at this...it's out and out purty:

We just had Uncle Eustus haul the old one away and within the day, we were set up. What a great Valentine's Day! So, given I cook and all, I thought I'd set him up with an extra special Valentine's Day spread. I figger, a way to a man's heart is through his tummy, lest that's what Mamma said. Here's a picture of our meal (the old man likes Coors Lite tallboys and I like wine...spam is our favorite, iffin you didn't already know that):

So, that about sums it up for a most beautiful relationship, don'tcha think?

My next journal entry will probably be about my Uncle Eustus. He needs to go find himself. He's got interesting choices for dates since Aunt Pearl passed away.

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume V

We're at it again! Me and my hillbilly friends invite you to pull up a chair and drink a little Mad Dog with us as we roll out another "White Trash Wednesday!"

Beautiful Atrocities
Cranky Neocon
Cry Freedom
Dangerous Logic
Fistful of Fortnights
Fragile Darkness
Hector Vex's Infotainment
It Is What It Is
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Rachael Ray Redux
Riehl World View
Six Meat Buffet
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The LLama Butchers
Vince Aut Morire

Curbside Cat "Poopsie"

Recipe Courtesy of Buck Peterson

Preparations:

1. Skin & clean "Poopsie" like you would a squirrel.
2. Stuff cavity with dressing & tie front legs back & back legs forward
3. Lay breast down in low baking pan, uncovered, with bacon stips across back.
4. Roast at 325 degrees for one hour, remove and make gravy from drippings.
5. As you dig in, recall all the midnight howling and torn garbage bags.

Mmmmmm....good fixin's! You remember the "Meow Mix" Jello mold that ole lady brought to dinner at the Griswold's in "Christmas Vacation?" What a perfect compliment to this main course!

Squirrel - Treetop Tidbit Stew

Recipe Courtesy of Buck Peterson Preparation: 1. Cut up squirrel carcass into 4 pieces. 2. Brown pieces in oleo 3. Cover with water, season very lightly. 4. Simmer until almost done. 5. Add diced, sliced, shredded favorite vegetables. 6. Mix 1/2 cup water and 6 tablespoons flower and thicken brew. 7. Now cook until done.

I serve this with a fine dessert of twinkies or ho-ho's. Sometimes a nice warm poptart will top it off nicely! Also, don't forget the heel of a loaf of Wonder bread - dip it in the brew and you'll be in heaven!

White Trash Cooking - Preparations for Road Kill Shoppin'

Now Ya'll - I know what you are thinking....that the idea of eatin' road kill is just a myth. Well, I'm here to prove you wrong. I have a bible here at my double-wide, and it is called "The Original Road Kill Cookbook." My buddy "Buck" Peterson compiled this book. 'afore I give you any recipes, you must prepare for your adventures in the discovery of fresh road kill quisine. Here are a few pointers from our friend Buck:

Where to Shop (automobile required, rusty truck preferred):

Near Water
Near a Game Refuge
Around Deer Crossings
Near Heavy Cover (you know - trees, cornfields!)

What you Should Put in the, um, Shopping Cart (Yeah, the Family Truckster):

Chainsaw
Shovel
C.B. (what good person doesn't have a C.B.?)
Rope
Canvas or Tarp

*Note - there are other less obvious necessities according to Buck - like enough gas to get you quickly home. Once loaded, don't speed and give the "badges" a chance to score your booty, though!

Here's a link to Buck's webpage - iff'n you want to order any of his books. Be looking for some mighty tasty recipes coming up, courtesy of his "Road Kill Cookbook."

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume IV

Hi ya'll,

If you've visited my site over the last month, you will know all about "White Trash" Wednesdays - a time about a dozen of us bloggers get together and poke a little fun at our families, heritage and something close to my heart - the food we eat!

Just to prepare you for tomorrow - think "Road Kill." YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Here's a list of participating blogs. Just e-mail if you'd like to join in the fun!
Beautiful Atrocities
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
Fist Full of Fortnights
Hectorvex
It Is What It Is
The Jawa Report
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Rachael Ray Redux
Riehl World View
Six Meat Buffet
Vince Aut Morire

WTW Presents: All Day Spam!

Whodathunk that I would have waited this long to give you some great ideas for using SPAM? Spam is so versitile, and will easily fit into your budget. You should always have a few cans of this bodacious potted meat on hand!
water, based on noodle instructions*the beauty of this is that you can pick any flavor you want, since we aren't sure exactly what kind of meat SPAM is made from - seems like everything goes with SPAM!

Breakfast: SPAM 'n EGGS

Ingredients:

1 can of Classic SPAM
6-8 eggs, scrambled
salt and pepper to taste
Louisiana Hot Sauce to taste (optional)
2-3 slices of store brand American Processed Cheese Food (optional)

Instructions:

Cut up the SPAM into small squares. Place in hot skillet, cooking until the meat carmelizes slightly. Add the eggs, salt, pepper and hot sauce, consistently stirring in the pan until the eggs are cooked. You can add the processed cheese food slices at the end, mixing the slices into the mixture. The cheese should melt quickly, adding an additional layer of flavor.

Serve with buttered toast, preferrably Wonder Bread.

Lunch: Grilled SPAM and Cheese, served with Ramen Noodles

Ingredients:

2-3 slices of SPAM, sliced thinly
1 slice of store brand Processed American Cheese Food
2 slices of Wonder Bread
oleo, enough to cover each slice of bread evenly

1 pack of Ramen Noodles*

Instructions:

Heat up small skillet. Place SPAM and cheese food between the wonder bread. Spread oleo on the outside of the sandwich and cook in frying pan until done.

While the sandwich is cooking, prepare Ramen according to package instructions. For added flavor, add 10-12 chunks of SPAM to Ramen Noodles, taking time to ensure the SPAM is heated through prior to serving.

Dinner: French Fry SPAM Casserole

Ingredients:

1 (20-ounce) bag frozen french fry potatoes thawed
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
2 cups sour cream
1 (10 3/4-ounce) can condensed cream of chicken soup
1 SPAM® Classic (12-ounce) can cubed
1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped green onion
1/2 cup finely crushed corn flakes

Instructions:

Heat oven to 350°F. In large bowl, combine potatoes, cheese, sour cream, and soup. Stir in SPAM, bell pepper, and green onion. Spoon into 13x9-inch baking pan. Sprinkle with crushed flakes. Bake 30 to 40 minutes or until thoroughly heated.

This tastes great served with saltine crackers on the side for dipping.

Dessert (YES, EVEN DESSERT!): SPAM Jell-O

Ingredients:

2 packages Jell-O, any flavor
Water and ice, according to Jell-O package instructions
1 can of Classic SPAM

Instructions:

Prepare Jell-O following instructions for making a mold. Cut up SPAM into small pieces and add to Jell-O mold. Refridgerate until set, then serve.

See? SPAM is the most versatile food you have in your cupboard. Your family will truly appreciate your creativity and excellent culinary skills as you prepare these amazing meals!

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume III

Hi ya'll!Riehl World View
Beautiful Atrocities
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
It Is What It Is
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Six Meat Buffet
Vince Aut Morire 

Join me and my friends for the third installation of "White Trash" Wednesdays - a light-hearted, fun poke at my family and friends, particularly those left in my home town in the backwoods of Nebraska...and maybe a few other fellow white folk.

This week, I will be focusing on everyone's favorite food - SPAM (not to be confused with those darn emails you route to your junk folder!).

Here are the other "white trash" folk participating this week:

You Know You Are "White Trash" When.....

Please don't take this as a profession to my "White Trashiness." Sure, there's a corner of my world that I remember that involved a small town, cow-tipping, big trucks, ball caps, flannel shirts and potlucks....but I dun grown up!

You know you are "White Trash" when.....

• You have a can of "Beanee Weenees" in your cupboard
• You know, or know someone who has gone cow-tipping
• You have had to use an outhouse (especially if it is in your backyard)
• Your idea of home improvement is attaching a camper shell to your double-wide
• You decorate your window with the sheet Aunt Phyllis gave you for your birthday
• You repair a cracked window with foil paper (you know, cuz it's purty)
• You keep a can of Raid by the kitchen sink
• The only picture you have of your husband Ernie is the one where he's holdin' up that plaque with numbers on it (and he don't look happy)
• The sight of blind kids playing the banjo doesn't faze you
• You have a horse tank in your backyard (and NO, it's NOT A SWIMMING POOL)
• You call butter "oleo"
• You still have a rotary phone in your trailer, er, home
• You use Aqua Net for that "all day" up-do
• You never had a dentist, and now you don't need one
• You know what "7-Up Cake" is
• You've ever made "spaghetti" with ramen noodles
• Your idea of fine dining is eating out of butter bowls
• You have a hairnet
• You know the words to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"
• You know who the Oakridge Boys are
• You wore cowboy boots to prom (or that "company" Christmas party)
• You can relate and empathize with the girl on Montel who doesn't know who the father of her child is
• You are one of the guys that could be the father of her child

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume II

Sometimes a girl's gotta be flexible. Most of the time, we're fixin' food for the family, but every once'n a while, visitors show up. The following recipes will help you be the most versatile cook in the trailer park!

Traditional Spaghetti-O's, Family Style

1 large can of Spaghetti-O's (the plain kind)*

*can be increased based on size of family

Open can of Spaghetti-O's and pour into big pan. Heat through, and serve in bowl(s).

Trailer Park Sleepover Spaghetti-O's

Several cans of Spaghetti-O Shaped Pasta (dinosaur is a favorite!)

Open cans of Spaghetti-O's and pour into big pan. Heat through, give plenty of spoons to sleepover guests and eat right out of pan.

Company's Comin' Spaghetti-O's Dinner

2 large cans of Spaghetti-O's with Franks

Open cans of Spaghetti-O's and pour into big pan. Heat through and serve in that fine Correlle serving dish Aunt Mae gave you last Christmas. Serve with slices of Wonder Bread and a bottle of "Mad Dog 20/20."

White Trash Wednesday

Hi All,

Even with all of the recent events with my family, the one break I've decided to take is to participate in week two of "White Trash Wednesday." I look forward to having fun with the gang! Here they are: Beautiful Atrocities, CrankyNeocon, Daisy Cutter, My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Nickie Goomba, Riehl World View, Six Meat Buffet , and Vince Aut Morire.

See ya'll soon!
Merri

"White Trash" Wednesdays, Volume I

A few of my blogosphere friends decided to come together to celebrate "White Trash" Wednesdays, a brainchild of Dan's at Riehl World View. Preston Taylor Holmes at Six Meat Buffet sums it up best: This "essentially boils down to a chance for some of us caucasian-types to celebrate/expose the dark underbelly of our white bread culture."Cranky Neocon, my dear hubby, Eric, at Vince Aut Morire and Beth at My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Anyone can join in, but I guarantee that I will have the best recipes. After all, I *do* live in the Midwest, in the middle of the corn belt. We also have more trailers per capita than, well, I could have ever imagined!
Ingredients:
1 package of hot dogs, on sale
1 pack of store brand buns
mustard, catsup, relish, onions or other vegetables for garnish

That being said, what better way to celebrate than to celebrate the cuisine that makes us "white trash folk" who we are? Throw the prime rib, crab legs and shrimp cocktail recipes aside, I'm a closet user of macaroni and cheese, ramen noodles, hot dogs and other high quality cuisine. Did you know that Kraft has a Macaroni and Cheese in about any shape you can imagine? Yes, EVEN Spiderman!

Also joining in on the fun is Gordon at

My debut dinner menu centers around a nice meal that represents most of the food groups (yes, catsup DOES count as a vegetable):

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (Family Size, of Course)

Ingredients:
Stuff inside the box of Mac and Cheese
8 Cups of Water
1/2 cup margarine or butter
1/2 cup milk

Instructions:
Bring water to a boil. Add macaroni from box and cook until tender (7-9 minutes). Drain, do not rinse. Return to pan and add margarine, milk and cheesy powder. Stir together until mixed well. Serve with Hot Dogs (recipe below).

Hot Dogs

Instructions:
Take dogs out of package and put a couple of holes in them (you can use your teeth - if you have any). Put them on paper plate and heat in microwave for about 30 seconds to a minute, depending on your taste. Put in bun and garnish.

This menu is complimented by Kool-Aid (the green kind is a nice complement to hot dogs). I also highly recommend serving with Ding Dongs for dessert.

You will be able to get this to the table in less than 30 minutes, which will give you time to watch your favorite shows on the Gameshow Network!