May 04, 2005

WTW - White Trash Manuel on Dumpster Diving

Now ya'll, I've done brought you some of the most speshul infonews on how to add to your bottom line - and I ain't meaning your "bottom" line, but yer collecshun of stuff.  Iffin' yer like the rest of us Trailer Livin' Queenies, we prides ourselves on what we find in the trash of others.  Some may call it dumpster diving, I call it "treashure huntin!"

Treashure huntin is a simple event.  You should bring your pickup with you, though, because I have found me some very speshul items, sometimes requirin' a bit of room.  PLUS, you need to be careful of some things as they may be covered by the goo of the trash that is mixed in with them treasures.  Iffin' you put them in the back of your pickup, it won't get them there vinyl seats messy, you know what I'm sayin'?

Treashure huntin is something you can teach yer family pets or work  animals to do on yer behalf.  It makes it so much easier to say "officer, I dun dinunt do anything wrong.  Old Bess don't know what's right and whats wrong thar."  And it's nice to teach yer pets starting small.  My ole man, Cletus, thinks that soon our bird Alfonzo will move up in the world.  He started out in a little ole oleo dish and has now gradumiated to a most fine kitchen sized bin.  I reckon he'll be able to fly in and swoop up most anything once he's done with his learnin'.

Ya'll know that there are treasures out there.  Hell, most of our trailer parts comes from our adventures.  There have been a few major finds for us, but mostly junk.  One day, we were diggin' through the dumpsters outside the Piggly Wiggly.  Thar was this crazy picture of a woman - she looked all pissed.  I suspect she ain't had her Mad Dog in a few days.  My ole man said he thought it looked like a picture he seen on the tellie that was called "the Moaning Lisa."  I ain't reckon this woman would be moaning about anything but maybe her corns.  Welp, long story short, some museum wanted it and mumbled about a theft and thanks for finding our stuff and all that.  It was a damn ugly picture anyways - for shore it weren't art.

Then there was the day we found some jewelry.  It looked something like that rock ole whats-her-name tossed over the boat on that thar Titanic movie.  You know, the old lady who wanted to be with that Leo guy (the one who drown - the best part of that movie, for most certain).  Anyway, I digresses.  Some guy with a bald head and a bow tie came runnin' up to the treasure spot and says to us, rather loudly I may add here, "That's the Hope Diamond!"  I clutched on to it tightly and yelled back at him "I HOPE it's cubic zurconia!"  He said it wasn't so I tossed it to him and set him straight.  Ain't nothing like CZ in its finest form.  He told me he'd get that thar jewelry back to the Smithsewnington or some gawdawful name.  What the hell name is that anyway?

We also found Phyllis Diller in a dumpster.  I think that's enough saidalready.  Let's just say she fit in with her invirinmunt.

Like I said, we have found many a treasure as have many of our relations and freinds.  I think back to our friend who found a piece of grilled cheese with the Virgin Mary on it.  Hell, after she sold that damn piece of grilled cheese we looked for weeks and never quite got as succesful as her. 

Oh well, our biggest and proudest moment was when we found our new shit pot.  My ole man says it is the most comfertable throne he has ever had the priveluge to partake in.  We did have to clean it up a little bit, but it fit right in the double-wide.

You may wonder how my ole man and I learned our treashure huntin' prowess.  Well, we done got a couple of books from the place that let's you borrow such thangs and we wanted to let you know what they were:

You can't go wrong with these books - iffin you can't read, stay at the book place.  They have story time and I reckon if you beg them they may read one to ya.  Or at least show you the pictures.

Don't fergit all my dumpster divin' divas and dirks in the trailerpark: