December 06, 2005

Christmas Musings

Tonight we put up the Christmas tree and hubby and I shared in our annual tradition of listening to Christmas music with no lights, except for those on the Christmas tree.  Add some champagne, and a few recognitions of a French Horn or a piccolo, and viola - it's the Eric/Merri Christmas hour....hehehehe!  Actually, it's much more than that....it is many fond memories of Christmas traditions....in particular the years that the bubbly cost less than $10 (a.k.a. the "saving for a house years" or the "living paycheck to paycheck years" or the "I can't believe babies cost so much years.") and when we could have the best and most favorite bubbly without worry.

Christmas this year is somewhat frightening to me, but good at the same time.  I have two amazing children, and the best husband I could ever dream of having.  I have my health, we have a roof over our head and we aren't hurting for anything, truly.  I feel so incredibly blessed.

At the same time, I'm constantly reminded that I lost my mom last January.  She had been in the hospital last December.  I clearly remember hubby and I having to put full garb on in the hospital in the event she was contagious.  I remember them ruling that out and allowing us to bring her home on Christmas Eve.  Mom had been released from the hospital on Christmas Eve two separate times.  Once when she had a lobe removed from her cancer-ridden lung.  Last Christmas, we were just thrilled to have her with us - the cancer had taken its toll on her.  She was bound and determined that she would NEVER spend Christmas in the hospital, and she never did, either!

She chose hospice care not long into January, but just had to have one more Christmas with her family before she said goodbye.  I am so grateful that she allowed us that, even though we knew she was suffering we relished our time with her - every moment.

As we unpacked the ornaments tonight, everything reminded me of her.  She was the "queen of Christmas" as far as I'm concerned.  At her memorial, we even displayed a Christmas tree with all of the homemade ornaments she made in years past.  We didn't have enough room to display all of them.  I knew this Christmas was going to be hard, but I didn't know how raw the emotions would still be. 

But Christmas, just like every other time, goes on.  We will forge new traditions and will transition the old ones.  Mom will never be forgotten - every Christmas will contain her legacy.  Beautiful Christmas angels and reindeer and santas on my tree...and in particular a beautiful angel ornament made especially for me...brown hair and a red rose, my favorite color.  I feel like I will shed tears each year for her, but will always be grateful and blessed for the time I had with her and for the gift she has given me - the love of the Christmas season...no matter what.