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June 01, 2005

Oh, the Good Old Days in a Small Town

Growing up in the 70s and 80s in small town Nebraska, I felt safe.  We left the car doors unlocked, we left the house unlocked and I don't think I saw a house with a dead bolt.  We could leave the windows open all day and all night and the last thing that crossed our minds was someone trying to break in.  I was only 10 minutes away from "the big city" and I still felt safe.  The last thing anyone in my hometown would have expected to hear about was a child being sexually molested, killed by their parents, or murdered by their sibling.  I think the worst thing that happened in my childhood was a classmate who committed suicide. 

As I became a young adult, I moved into "the big city."  Mind you, the "big city" in Nebraska would fit squarely inside many other cities across America, but even with that I became just a bit more paranoid.  I always locked my car doors - after all, I heard about carjackings.  I always locked the door to my home because there had been some home invasions.  There was always murder or arson or gang violence on television or in the newspaper.  But even with these periodic news-makers, I always felt relatively safe.

Then I became a parent and the world has changed.  I have a compelling need to protect my children, be involved in their schooling, their interactions with friends, their televison shows, their video games.  My doors are always locked and my husband has safely stowed a small arsenal in order to protect ourselves and our property.  Oh, and we have a dead-bolt.

What has our world come to?  I'm starting to see the world through my childrens' eyes with my adult mind and it is rather scary.  No playing out in the front yard unless a parent is there, no running down to the park without Mom or Dad.  No walking to or from school, we take the car.  When I was in grade school, I played with Barbies, watched Looney Tunes and my biggest worry was whether my friend Jenny was mad at me.  My children are faced with Stranger Danger, Bad Touch/Good Touch, DARE to keep kids off of drugs, an increasing number of kids who don't have more than one parent in their lives, limitation of what they may learn in school because it may be "religious" in nature, softer approaches to grades in school and purple ink versus red ink so kids can feel "good" about themselves.  I feel that our future world is spiraling out of control as a segment of society responds to the likes of the ACLU, other "advocate" groups, or even some parents of children who attend school with my kids.  And these responses seem to become the doctrine by which society acts. 

How do we relate to our children their world as it exists today?  How can I explain to my son or daughter that Brendan Gonzales was killed by his own father because he thought he was satan?  How can I explain why Jessica Lundsford was killed?  Or why Dylan and Shasta are still missing?  Or why Osama Bin Laden hates America?  I remain strong for my kids, and assure them they are safe, of course.  But inside, my mind and my heart are heavy with my concerns. 

I look at the news, and it seems like we are seeing a rash of issues impacting our children.

Brenda Groene, 40; her boyfriend, Mark McKenzie, 37; and her 13-year-old son, Slade Groene, were found bound and beaten to death in their home on May 16. Groene's two other children, Dylan, 9, and Shasta, 8, had vanished.

There are no suspects and no motives and little Dylan and Shasta are still among the lost after a search of 800 tons of trash in a landfill didn't turn up any new clues to their disappearance.  I pray that they are okay.

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - A 7-year-old boy beat his baby half-sister to death with his fists, feet and a two-by-four because he was jealous of the attention the girl was receiving and because she would not stop crying, police said Wednesday.

The State Attorney's Office is deciding whether to file charges against the boy in an attack that rattled even veteran homicide detectives.

"The veteran detectives who worked on this case have never seen a case with someone as young as a 7-year-old show so much violence and so little remorse," Tampa police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said.

His sister, seven-month-old Jayza Laney Simms, was pronounced dead when she was taken to the hospital.  Seven months old, and murdered by her seven year old brother.  The State Attorney's Office hasn't yet determined how to proceed, or whether they will press charges.

Hillsborough County State Attorney's spokeswoman Pam Bondi said prosecutors were just beginning to review the case and the complex legal issues involved with bringing charges against such a young child. Among the elements prosecutors will have to consider is whether a child so young is competent to stand trial for a crime, Bondi said.

"There are a lot of issues," Bondi said. "This is the first time we have dealt with a 7-year-old accused of such a violent crime."

How do you NOT do something about this?  I'm not for sending this seven year old to death row, but if he is capable of this much violence at the age of seven, what kind of man will he grow up to be?  I'm shocked that a child my son's age would have so much rage.  What happened to him?

And where were the adults in charge with regard to this situation?

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - Two students were charged Wednesday with sexually assaulting a mentally disabled girl in a high school auditorium. The former principal was charged with failing to notify police.

The case generated criticism because school officials did not immediately report the allegations to police and said they feared negative media attention if they did.

The 16-year-old girl told a teacher at Mifflin High School that she had been dragged into the auditorium March 9 and forced to perform oral sex on at least two boys as other students watched and one boy videotaped, according to investigators.

Two boys, Brandyn Hobbs, 15, and Timothy C. Armistead, 16, were charged with juvenile counts of rape, sexual battery and kidnapping.

Regina Crenshaw, who was removed as principal because of the incident, was charged with failing to call police. If convicted, she could get anything from probation to 30 days in jail.

Crenshaw said Wednesday she did not break the law because the girl's father called police and the school district's policy on when to call authorities is contradictory.

What about common sense and knowing right from wrong, Ms. Crenshaw?  Aren't you responsible for the well-being of the students at your school?

"I did not expect any criminal charges to be put on me. This came as a total surprise, total shock," she said.

Of course it did, lady, of course it did - it's called being accountable, but perhaps you haven't heard of this concept?

Authorities said an assistant principal at the school warned the girl's father not to call 911 because he did not want to alert the news media. The girl's father ignored the request.

An employee perhaps provided with that directive by Ms. Crenshaw?

The district has moved to fire Crenshaw and a hearing before an independent mediator is set for Thursday. Three assistant principals at the school were suspended and reassigned.

Superintendent Gene Harris said the district will continue to train staff on proper procedures, but said attention should be paid to what students did - not just what adults didn't do.

I would agree that attention should be paid to the crimes the students committed, but do not want to take away from the fact that it happened on SCHOOL PROPERTY and was not reported by SCHOOL OFFICIALS for fear of getting bad publicity.  Let's not forget about THAT, Gene.

How to best approach the challenges my children will face as they grow up?  I personally will continue to hug my kids, provide a level of structure and discipline in their lives to ensure that they can see the difference between right and wrong (as well as consequences), protect them from strangers, drugs, bullies, and whatever else could possibly happen to them, and provide a stable, two parent family environment where they can learn how to treat each other, their friends, their family, their teachers and other adults. 

I'm also going to tickle them until their sides hurt, take them to amusement parks, take them to the zoo and to movies.  I'll take them boating and to Wal-mart (because they love that place!).  I'll do what I can to help them laugh every day, and create the memories of a good childhood that they deserve.  Oh, and did I mention I was going to hug my kids?

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Comments

The good ol days of common sense...are they gone forever?

Posted by: Jay at June 2, 2005 07:10 AM

I was just thinking about this yesterday evening, as I was in the park waiting for some sign that my sons' mother was at her house, so I could drop them off from visitation. There was a boy in Stephan's (my youngest) kindergarten. The boy and his brother were playing in the park, no parent around. I felt myself inclined to judgment ("don't they know what world we are living in?"), which turned to thoughts of how different a world we live in. I grew up in the big city (Chicago) in the 70's and 80's, and enjoyed freedom and freedom from fear that I doubt my sons will ever experience.
The good ol' days of common sense, the ACLU and the likes are doing the best to make them history. We parents are left to clean up the mess.
One of the proudest moments I had as a father was watching my oldest Michael when he was 4. He was on the swing, I was sitting back a bit (I try to give them as much space as they can handle), and four boys at least twice his age and more than twice his size came up to him and told him to get out and go away. I stayed where I was, close enough to spring into action if needed, but far enough if he wanted to handle it himself (Unfortunately, parents cannot fight all their battles). He sat even more firmly, and looked at them in the face with an expression "I'm not going ANYWHERE!" The four seemed a little shocked, and moved on. I only pray that I nurture that confidence to continue to sustain him in this world which is at war with children.

On a lighter note, Michael asked about the top picture, which he knows is my favorite. They wondered if she was "a bad girl" because she didn't have any clothes on. We had a discussion on the difference between nude and naked. As always, they got lots of hugs.

Posted by: Isa Almisry at June 2, 2005 11:09 AM

Yes indeed. I remember being able to ride my bike, all by myself for miles at the age of what my daughter is now. Still, looking back I don't know if that was a good thing or not even then.

All the news about missin children reminds me of that song by Train, "Calling All You Angels" or "Calling All Angels". There is a verse in that song that goes something like, "When children have to play inside so they don’t disappear"....it makes me so mad because I feel so powerless and helpless. Thanks for posting on this subject matter time and time again and for helping to keep it in the front.

Posted by: An American Housewife at June 2, 2005 11:34 PM

Thank you so much, for putting into such Awesome words, what I feel deep in my heart!!! this post is Awesome!!!!!
take care!

Posted by: Cat at June 4, 2005 10:54 AM

Thanks, Cat. I do have to say I'm with the Housewife - it makes me so mad that I have to virtually make my children's lives less carefree because of others. How unfair for them and how hard for parents to feel powerless and helpless. Thanks for stopping by Cat!

Posted by: Merri at June 4, 2005 11:28 AM

I agree 100% with 99% of your post but not all single parent homes are dysfunctional and not providing adequate care and supervision of their kids.
My kids are excellent, they don't bully, do drugs, run wild in the streets. My youngest is in accelerated classes at middle school and my oldest is taking pre-law in high school this coming fall.
Not all of us are screwed up and setting bad examples.
Some of us are trying really hard to raise our kids right, single parents or not.

Posted by: kat at June 4, 2005 12:57 PM

What YOU said, lady!

How do you raise kids in this mess we call the real world? Well, for starters, you introduce them to realities my parents would never dreamed of having to discuss. You make 'em cynics and pessimists, and take away the beauty of childhood innocence and trust.

And you do all this because liberals think perverts and criminals are people too.

Posted by: The Capitalist at June 4, 2005 02:17 PM

Kat - you have a great point. There are many single parents who do a great job of raising their children - and a number of reasons why there are single parent households - if a spouse is unfaithful or abusive, there's no choice there. Obviously widowed spouses have no choice either - and if a spouse just decides to leave, the remaining parent has to take the lead.

My intention when I put that in there is based on the fact that we seem to have a mentality in this society of having "throwaway marriage" which has become more and more common - and I've seen many a child hurt in these circumstances, in the middle of two parents who divorce because they just don't want to work hard enough to save their marriage and don't even think of the impact it has on the kids. Then their children think this behavior is okay and the cycle continues.

I refuse to play a part in that because my belief - and how I was raised - is that having Mom and Dad in the children's life is the best for them. I also take my vows seriously, and want my children to believe that marriage can work and doesn't always end in divorce - it is my responsibility to set that example for them. If my husband was ever unfaithful, or abused me, there'd be no question I'd be gone, because it would be the best for the kids. I believe that as a parent, how I feel and what I want is secondary to my kids' needs.

Thanks for stopping by, Kat!

Posted by: Merri at June 4, 2005 05:27 PM

kat:

No where in this post did she say that all one parent families are dysfunctional.

Posted by: Eric at June 4, 2005 05:29 PM

No Eric she didn't, but she pointed out two instances where I took it as a "slam" on single parents. They are;
"an increasing number of kids who don't have more than one parent in their lives," and "and provide a stable, two parent family environment where they can learn how to treat each other, their friends, their family, their teachers and other adults."

I totally agree with everything else she wrote and I'm one of "those liberals"...lol

I left my husband when I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest because he beat me to a bloody pulp and kicked my pregnant belly over and over again.
It was the smartest thing I have ever done in my life and my kids have not suffered for lack of a father in their lives.
I am so proud of them for all their achievements and to have a son who is taking pre-law in high school in his freshman year is something to be quite proud of so not all single parents are bad. A very good majority of them yes but, not all.

And Merri, I was raised the same as you. My parents are still together after 50 years of marriage. It was never my intention to be a single parent but I had to do what I had to do.

Posted by: kat at June 4, 2005 05:51 PM

Neither of those quotes are a slam on single parents, kat, they buttress thousands of years of humanity, perhaps you're a tad oversensitive.

"so not all single parents are bad. A very good majority of them yes but, not all."

So what do you do? Slam the majority of single parents.

sheesh.

Posted by: Eric at June 4, 2005 06:04 PM

Yeah I am a tad over sensitive Eric because I have read on more than one blog how single parents are to blame for bad kids, the state of schools, crime rates in school etc etc.
I do know a majority of bad single parents in my area personally so I feel that I can slam a good majority of them.
I know parents who just let their kids run wild, have no clue where they are and then call me because they can't find their own kid. I deal with it everyday now that summer break has started.

I was agreeing with Merri to a point. I totally see where she would be under the impression that single parent homes have more problem kids, I see it myself. I was just pointing out that there are some good ones.

*sheesh*

Posted by: kat at June 4, 2005 07:19 PM

Kat - sounds like you got out of a tough situation and have no regrets. Obviously your kids were better off with your decision to leave that abusive situation.

Posted by: Merri at June 4, 2005 11:31 PM
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